Saturday, May 24, 2008

thinking hard

I'm here, still believing.

The word "still" could mean "continually". In this case, it does mean that. But it also means "quiet, without movement". "A cessation of bustlement." (You've got to admire that made-up word! It's a doozie.)

I have been thinking hard about believing in the One He has sent and what it exactly means; how it "fleshes out" in my everyday walk. All this thinking has had the opposite effect of making me speed up and do things (which is my usual human response to fixing a spiritual issue). Rather, the contemplation has made me quiet. Even on my walks I stand still, suck in my lower lip (a bad habit, I know) and think so, so, very hard about whether or not I believe much.

After explaining my inner-workings to Friend #7, she said (and I quote): "You are one of the most believ-ee people I know."

I hardly scolded her for the made-up word (I don't know where she gets that from), as her opinion of me was quite comforting. I don't know, though. What she sees is a very cleaned-up outside. Like a front yard readied for a party. Or someone emerging from a salon with a perfect hair-do. (No one says "hair-do" these days. For the record, I say also say "pocketbook".)

Here I am, thinking about the act believing in Jesus and how very difficult it is to pin down or quantify. Or even write about. All I really know is that I want to do the work He has for me, and if that means believing in the One He has sent, I want to be about it like gangbusters.


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